Suppose it's about time to fill you in....

Day: 10
Km ridden:7
Current location: Gävle
Hailstorms ridden through: 1 (ouch)

Well apologies for not having keep this thing up to date.  It's not so much that my famous attention span has been wondering, but we've not always had the chance to get online and update, and the times that we did have found us both totally shattered.

So, I think I last left the blog somewhere after our last camping stop.  Well after there we rode on to the town of Jönköping.  If you're ever in the area and are thinking of checking the town out.  Don't.  It's dull.  Very, very dull.  Lots of Churches and classic American cars, but apart from that, pretty much diddly squat of interest.

So after spending the night in a hotel next to a traffic light, which in Sweden either sounds like a pneumatic drill or a machine gun depending on if you can cross or not, we packed up the bikes and headed off to Goteburg (Gothenburg) to see if we can find an Aprilia dealer.  You might recall, I still have a charging issue with my bike, and it's hit or miss if it starts again whenever I stop.  After going on the Aprilia Forum, I was pointed in the direction a garage.  After getting there the mechanic just shook his head.  Apparently they don't do anything with Aprilias, and certainly can't get hold of parts for one.  Personally, given that there is a  bloody great big sign outside with "Aprilia" written all over it, I suspected that he just really wanted to go off and have lunch / nap / wank than deal with us.  Then he points us in the direction of Harley Davidson as apparently that should have been an obvious place for us to start (?).  Turns out, Harley import most of the bike parts in Sweden and then pass them on to the other dealers.  Strange, but then different strokes and all that.

10 minutes later we're at Harley.  Long story short, we basically got told to fuck off.  They had literally no interest in helping anybody at all.  So we decided to just ride on to see Vanessa's friend slightly further northwards.  It was odd.  Apparently all the mechanics in Sweden are psychic.  They all knew that the part I was looking for was not in stock, and is not available in Sweden.  This being despite that not once did anybody actually ask me what bike I was riding, or what part I actually wanted.....

So, with me in a somewhat less than pleased mood, we rode for another hour to the picturesqe village/town of Hovenäset to see a friend of Vanessa in their holiday home.

After such a crap morning, we recieved an extremely warm welcome from Lena and her Husband Henrik.  Turns out that her parents were also there that day and we had barely only just got there when Henrik handed over two cold beers - which sort of set the tone for the rest of the day really.  The hospitality was fantastic.  A huge BBQ, lots of flowing drinks managed to really cheer me up.

Being somewhat larger than I should be, the conversation naturally turned to food at some point, and in particular, to seafood, of which Sweden should have lots of.  Before you knew it we had all donned life jackets and were heading down to where Lena's Dad kept his boat.  A short trip later, we arrived at a little cove and jumped in and started looking for fresh Mussels.

 After we got about 30 of the biggest, fattest Mussels I have ever seen, we then all got back in the boat and took the long way back to the harbour trailing a Mackrel line behind us.  Sadly it was too dark to actually catch anything, but it was a very relaxing end to the day.  We got back to the house where I then cleaned the Mussels, ready for Lena's Dad to make us a very nice soup the next day.

Speaking of the next day, when we woke up and had finished breakfast, we were then taken on a trip to the local town of Smögen.  A true seafood paradise, with more expensive sailing vessels than I've seen in a fairly long time.

After a bit of sightseeing it was tiue to head back, gear up and ride on to Karstad.  From there on in, there's not too much more to say thats out of the ordinary.  We met up with another of Vanessa's friends (Jonas) and stayed with him for the evening.  Then we all rode up to Stockholm.

Stockholm itself deserves it's own posting, and as this one has become a little bit long it's time to go to the bar, get another beer in and start on yet another post.
 

Well where to start?

Day: 7,8 and 9
Km ridden: lots
Current location:  Stockholm (ish)
Smartarsed comments required that I'm currently too tired to think of: 1

Good god I've no idea where to start really.  We've been zig zagging through Sweden right now and are now in Stockholm for 2 days.  Sooo much has happened in the last few days its hard to know where to start. Sooooooo, as I'm totally knackered right now, I won't.  I will however save it for a fairly long post tomorrow.

In the meantime, please enjoy this picture of a cat.

I am not your natural "Tentist"

Day 4+5 (as no wifi yesterday)
Km ridden: 700 (about 350 per day)
Current location: Öland (yesterday), Jönköping (today)
McDonald's Milkshakes consumed: 1

Well yesterday Vanessa and I decided to give "tenting" a go.  I'm not your natural camping person.  Vanessa however camped a lot when she was younger.  As she is still alive, I guess it can't be all that bad and why not give it a go?

Well it actually wasn't that bad.  We woke up yesterday in Malmö and got the map out.  On the western coast of southern Sweden is a medium sized island called "Öland".  Thinking that it must be a typical Swedish holiday destination we sped off in that general direction.  The "motorways" here are certainly odd.  The speed limits are ridiculously low, with some 110km/h streches, but most of it is set to 90km/h.   This is actually fairly pleasant and gives you a lot of time to look around at scenery.  Which is basically pine as far as the eye can see.  I guess that would explain Ikea then...

The island itself was caravan city.  The things were everywhere.  However once we'd managed to park up and get the tent out, things became a bit more relaxed.  The chairs were unpacked and the first beers were opened.

All was well until it was time to eat.  Then it was time to unpack that BASTARD of a miniture grill set.  The design is simple.  Basically a gas bottle with a spout on the top on to which you place the required pans.  Whilst it is supposed to be adjustable, it appears to only have 2 settings.  On, or Chernobyl.

Attemping to cook 2 Chicken breasts on this thing left me with some nasty burns when the oil decided it liked my hand better than the pan, and after cooking the bejezus out of them for about 20 minutes, it managed to be both burnt and raw at the same time.  Methinks it's probably better to stick to restaurants in the future.

Later that evening we sat in the bar by the beach and watched the sun slowly set.  It was really a lovely evening.  Just a shame we both slept like shit, otherwise I could probably have recommended "tenting".

Day: 3
Km ridden: 350
Current location: Malmö - Sweden
Twix's consumed: 1

Firstly, sorry that yesterday's post was mostly a rant against German drivers.  It was a bit of a mad day yesterday however it was an excellent excuse to gloss over the fact that I sort of screwed up with the hotel booking in Copenhagen.  Well, i say Copenhagen, but we actually ended up a long way from it. 

The story goes that whilst still in bed after having woken up in Hanover, I pulled up the laptop and went looking for hotels that evening.  In my tired state I didn't actually check everything properly.....  So, once the Credit card had been given over, and we're on our way, slowly the signs for Copenhagen vanished, but the sat nav said that we still had about 30km to go.  We ended up in the (one horse) town of Gentofte.  A town which even the dead think is boring.

This morning after waking up, we knew that the next stop is Sweden, but exactly where was not as yet decided.  We drove up in the sun to the town of Helsingor to take the 15 minute ferry over to Helsingborg in Sweden.  After a quick smoke stop we are now in the small city of Malmö.  It's actually not that bad here.  It seems the fashion at the moment is for as little fabric as possible, so in sadly far too many cases, there is far too much flesh on show.  It appears that more than one of the local ladies has been at the pickled herring again....

Still, the people seem friendly, even if the language is totally incomprehensible.

Tomorrow we're finally going to give all that camping gear we brought with us a go.  We're riding over to the island of öland on the baltic coast to pitch up and try and cook a full meal for 2 on the worlds smallest gas grill.

I know that this blog has so far not been as filled with as many pictures of these far flung shores as we would have liked, but we will try to change that soon.

Ze Chermans (say that out loud)

Day 2:
Km ridden: About 500
Current Location: Far too far from Copenhagen
Breakdowns: None!  Woohoo!

Well it's certainly been an interesting day.  After yesterday's debarkle with the broken down satnav (which as I got working again I didn't mention) and then the broken bike, I was under the impression that we had probably had our "events" for at least the next few weeks.

Once again, my talent for underestimating the wrath of that magnicificent work of fiction I keep insulting, otherwise known as "God", is becoming legendary.

The day started out well.  The weather, whilst cloudy thankfully decided that it didn't want to piss down with rain on us.  All that left was to try and get to the Danish border alive and unscathed. 

Now, related to that, let me share some thoughts about the Germans.  I really love the Germans.  They are warm, considerate, friendly people.  Believe it or not they do have a sense of humour that goes beyond toilet humour, and I personally think that Germany is one of the nicest places you could live.  That said, the moment you put them into a car, and let them drive it, they become complete and total CUNTS.  Trying to negotiate the Autobahn at anything less than 160 kph is potentially suicide.  In the slow lane, you have the caravans etc driving at 100kph or slower, and in the other the nutters doing over 250.  Now lets remember folks, that the Germans are special.  They have the GOD GIVEN RIGHT to drive at ANY speed they like, at ANY time.  Apparently.  If you happen to be overtaking somebody, you will suddenly see in your mirrors some twat in a BMW less than a meter from you with his indicators on flashing his lights at you because you dared to get in his way.

The same is very much the case when it comes to changing lanes.  As it is the German's right to be on the road at any time and under any circumstances, then if they see a spot of road that they want to be in, then they will just move over.  Regardless if that space is currently occupied or not.  Just like the idiot with the caravan who decided that as he was bigger than Vanessa, he was within his rights to just move over.  The reaction to being informed that he had almost killed a motorbiker was along the lines of "so?". 

I could go on and on about this subject, but the one thing I have realised is that there is no "final solution" to this question.  Ahem......

It's all gone a bit "Pete Tong"....

Day: 1
Km ridden: 800
Today's Destination: Hanover
Breakdowns: 1 Oh FFS!!!!!

So, riding along on day 1, I had an amazing rant about the Dutch all planned.  Seriously it was going to be epic.  I had even managed to get a quote from Austin Powers in there.  Fate however, is possibly Dutch, and had other plans.

So, lets start at the beginning (6am) this morning.  Bags packed, luggage strapped down onto the bikes.  All is going swimmingly apart from the pissing rain.  Still, if thats all the world can throw at us today, then thats pure childs play.  We've got rain suits so no worries there.

So off we go.  We left Switzerland in a mix of mild drizzle and sunshine.  Then comes Germany.  Sadly, as you can see from the pics above, the bikes were fairly heavily loaded, so we could only cruise at about 90mph (150ish kmh).  Not much of a problem, until I looked at my fuel gauge.  It was at this point that I noticed, that the Aprilia is CRAP when it comes touring.  I was averaging the same mileage on the motorway that I used to do with my V8 Jaguar......  Not good seeing as I'm only about 10% of the weight of the car.

Still, have credit card, can travel, so onwards we pressed.  Slowly, the Dutch aside, things were going very well.  The sun started to shine and the roads were now dry, and apart from frequent fuel stops it was quite a nice ride.

Then, we decided to have a little stop to just check the straps on the luggage as it had shifted slightly.  Straps tightened, a light lunch taken, and the drive chains lubed it's time to move on.  Across the other side of the car park, a chap from Denmark had his bonnet open and was asking everybody in the carpark if they had jumper cables.  "Poor bloke" thinks I.  Still, at least that won't happen to me.  WRONG!!!!!!  Key on, clutch in, press the starter and then sod all.  The battery is dead.

Now, those of you who remember, I brought the bike for one reason and one reason alone.  So exactly what just happened, wouldn't.  To say that I was a little bit annoyed would be like saying Hitler was a "little bit naughty".  So after having tried "Le AA" on my last long distance trip with Vanessa, it's time to try "Das AA".  2 hours and one jump start later out comes the voltmeter and it confirms my worst fear.  The Alternator has pretty much had it - 500km from home and on day 1 of a long distance journey through Scandinavia.  Great......

Still, we've just about managed to get around it.  If I keep the speed below 130kmh, there is just enough charge to run the bike and load the battery.  Well, I say enough, but the engineers among you will love to know that at 5000rpm, I'm making just 12.12 volts.  Anyway, seeing as we're pretty much all the way through Germany now, and the chances of us going over that speed for the rest of the journey are slim, we're going to take the risk and push on.

Tomorrow, we're off to Copenhagen.  With any luck without incident.

I will leave you with one thought.  I've been to the UK and back on Motorbikes 3 times without incident.  Twice I've attempted long distance rides with Vanessa, and were now going 2 for 2 on breakdowns.  Co-incidence?  :)

I need the Carpet Bag from Mary Poppins

The day before the off, and whilst Vanessa is upstairs, it's down to me to try my best to secure all the gear to the bikes.

So, until I the moment where I can post something interesting tomorrow evening, here is a gratuitous shot of pussy.

Let's get ready to rumble.....

When you're young(er), packing is a simple matter of throwing stuff in a bag.  When one gets older it's more a case of grabbing the Passport and Credit card and just dealing with things as they come.

On a motorbike however, things get a "little" bit more complicated.  Our 2 bikes have to cope with enough clothing for 2 people for a month and a tent for when we can't find a hotel (as well as all the sleeping stuff).  Of course, when you've gone that far the question is, why stop there?

Soooo, for the odd occasion when we do camp, we've also got a complete mini kitchen, camping chairs, swimimng gear, etc, etc.  For those days when I don't want to get completely drenched should it rain (and lets face it, it will) we also need rain suits and I'm taking my Goretex biking Jacket and Trousers for those days when I don't fancy running around dressed head to toe in leather.

So pretty much everything is packed now.  I'm fairly sure that this lot won't fit in the back of our car, so I've got no idea how we're going to get it on the bikes.  Tomorrow we have the joy of cleaning the flat and trying somehow to secure everything to the bikes.  Saturday morning at 7am we start the engines, and god help us if we've forgotten anything....



My one regret is that Vanessa won't let me bring the BBQ......

A somewhat less than Triumphant Triumph.....

Disaster has struck. Well, partially at least. With but a few short weeks to go before the „off“ my lovely Triumph Sprint 955 ST has developed what those of us in the biking world refer to as „character“, and what everybody else calls a breakdown waiting to happen. Long, long story involving mechanics who charge you a fortune but don't actually do the work (aka „Theiving, lying bastards), but the crux of the matter is, I'm not sure that I trust the Trumpet enough to ride so far without her leaving me at the side of the road.

So without further ado it's time to get another bike for the trip. A quick scour through the online classifieds points me in the direction of a local garage with an Aprilia RST 1000 Futura for sale at a decent price. An absolubte stonker of a bike that had a sadly short lived production run. Whilst „Italian electrics“ is an oxymoron on the same scale as „American Intelligence“ and „Altruistic Banking“, the Futuras were generally though of to be very reliable bikes. Also good for me is that the dealer is throwing in a guarantee on her, so fingers crossed she should make it without giving me too many headaches. Yes, the instrument cluster looks like it's been ripped out of Japanese car circa 1987 and she does have a bit of a thirst problem compared to the Triumph, but the front lights sort of look like a face, and if you factor in the shape of the windscreen you might also be (fleetingly) reminded of the Ailen Queen from the Ailen Quadrilogy (although they really should have stopped at 3) so thats all fine by me.......

The new bike. 

I give you the 1987 Honda Accord......

See the resemblence?  No?  Well......screw you then....

So then, where to begin?

Having tried and failed many times to gather enough interest to start writing a blog, my impending 1 month European motorbike tour is probably the best excuse I've got to give it a go. That said however, it might stop halfway through the trip as my attention span is famously short and I tend to lose interest and just stop wha....

Ahem. So, thats the humourous content over with. Nice to get these things out of the way early. Back to the point then.

Instead of a nice 2 week holiday sitting in the sun on a beach holding an empty glass and a full bottle with a view to correcting the balance, my girlfriend and I have decided that the best thing to do is to mount up on our motorbikes and naff off up to Norway. A planned 9000 odd Kilometeres taking us the better part of a month to do.

So, expect pics, potentially video and general tales of a motorbiking / travelling nature.